dating fear intimacy - Validating a model of chronic illness and family caregiving

Most of the time people don’t even care to hear the reasons adult children have for not seeing their parents; they just tell these adult children they are wrong. It is even more offensive when the reasons for not seeing parents ARE revealed and people still judge the adult child to be the one in the wrong.

They automatically defend the parents without even hearing or caring about the reason behind the broken relationship. That is what this “what if your parents die” question is about.

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My “guilt, shame and self-blame button” was very sensitized. That is why I don’t see them; because I finally understood that I mattered ~ even if I only mattered to me.

My parents had their whole lives to make a positive difference when it came to me. I finally mattered enough that I stood up to the way that they treated me and said “no more”. Why doesn`t anyone ever ask my parents when they are going to give ME a break?

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And I have the right to be treated with love and respect.

If my parents are getting old or if either of them is sick, that doesn’t change the fact that I have rights and it doesn’t change the facts about the way that I was treated by them in the past. So why is it up to me to be there for them when they were never there for me?“I used to worry that my mother or father might die before we ever have any kind of understanding or resolution between us.As I grew in understanding about the truth and got to the bottom root of all the dysfunction, I was set free from that fear.” ~ Darlene Ouimet to worry that my parents might die, but it is a whole other insulting thing when people ask me how I will FEEL if my parents die and they ask it as a judgement question; a judgement against me.But, no amount of my efforts has led to any improvement.My family (my husband, my kids, and my dear friends) is more deserving of my time and energy – my precious time that I could be spending with the ones who enrich my life, I am not going to waste it any more by going in circles trying to improve something with individuals who refuse to face reality and take the needed steps to improve our relationship. My time/energy/love is valuable – and I am no longer giving it to ones who don’t value me.It is about parental rights and entitlement ~ something that YOU as their child don’t have in a dysfunctional family system.

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