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ASK THE EXPERT: QI have been married 10 years and we have four children aged 9, 7, 6 and 4.Recently, I discovered that my husband has been using adult chat rooms online and seems to have been communicating in sexually explicit ways with other people.

Real intimacy is created in everyday communication, in the nitty-gritty of sharing a life together and in the hard work of resolving conflicts and accepting the other person as different to you.

Online sexual activity can involve various activities, such as viewing explicitly sexual materials, participating in an exchange of ideas about sex, exchanging sexual messages, and online interactions with at least one other person with the intention of becoming sexually aroused.

A second issue for a marriage is that one partner turns to the internet for flirting and sexual excitement rather than to their partner.

When this happens frequently, it can lead to a reduction in their sex-life together, a growing sense of disconnection and an erosion of the marital bond.

Such intimacy is built on communication and friendship and leads to deep affection and a satisfying sex life.

However, creating this intimacy is hard work and much harder than the easy escapism of the internet or watching TV or even over-working or domestic chores.

Of course your husband should not blame you and he must take responsibility for how he has hurt you with his online behaviour, but the two of you must take responsibility for improving the marriage.

Though it may be painful, the fact that you have started talking about issues is a good sign.

People, consciously or not, consider their online sexual relationships as real—they experience psychological states similar to those typically elicited by offline relationships.

Accordingly, cybersex is about sex, but a form of sexual encounter involves experiences typical of other encounters, such as sexual arousal, masturbation, orgasm, and satisfaction.

When I challenged him, he was embarrassed and then defensive saying it was just harmless flirting and that he had not gone over any line.

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