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He said, “You say you wouldn’t do that now; but, when you love someone, you’re willing to try almost anything for them. For Garrett and I, it took well over a year before we found an expression that felt right to us.

You’re wiling to find an expression of that love that works for both people.”Years later, I smile at Garrett’s wisdom and openness. That’s really all any of it is—a willingness to find an appropriate and comfortable way to express love for that relationship. We tried many different models until we settled on something that worked. Are your needs being totally fulfilled by your partner?

I’ve received e-mails from gay men who fell in love with and married women.

I’ve received messages from same-sex couples who share romantic love but keep their relationship open to pursue sex with opposite-sex partners.

It’s about creating your own rules for love because you and your partner(s) have never existed before. It might even take moving outside your comfort zone. It’s more of a Friday-night-in-front-of-the-couch thing. It’s more of a lounging-around-in-sweatpants thing. It’s an opportunity where you can be yourself completely—without the fancy outfit or funny lines—and another person still chooses you every time.

There’s no example of how to do this because you and your relationship are completely unique. But if you want to make something work badly enough, you really can make it work. But you can absolutely make it work if you’re willing to negotiate a level of expression for love that feels right to you. If you’re lucky enough to find that, throw the rules out the window. Throw any boxes or containers or restrictions out the window.

Labels are absolutely useful for helping people feel connected, relatable, even understood. It’s an opportunity where you can be yourself completely—without the fancy outfit or funny lines—and another person still chooses you every time. Because you’ve got something special and unique and magical.

But there comes a point where the label starts holding you back. We’re working through these questions all the time. And it’s really only the business of the two (or more) people in the relationship to make it work. You’re the only one who can make the rules for your life.

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